You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
