i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
