How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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