the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
