how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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