This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
