I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
