You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
