i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
