I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
