At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My ATM looks so different sober.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
