all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
