When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
