what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
