Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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