I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
