I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My ass is underappreciated
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
