I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
