So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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