I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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