Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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