i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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