can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
