Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
as a side note pls kill me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
