I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Are we still banned from the library?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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