so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I need a beard to bite.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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