when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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