his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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