just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
