I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
