all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
