I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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