Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you would pick up someone in the library
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
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im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
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the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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