I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
