chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
