Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
