I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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