You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
