I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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