She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
