Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
