At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
