Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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