There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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