i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize