i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
