guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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