i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
