I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Farmville is her only friend.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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