the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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