he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
