I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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