hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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