NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
