I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
