why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
