Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
