Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Drunk is not a location!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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