Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
