There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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