My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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